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Nomalanga: Even in the “D-Wade” Case A Father’s Right To See His Children is a Secondary Issue
On Father’s day, a few days ago, I wrote an article appealing to single mothers to be proactive about doing everything that they can to encourage a relationship between their children and their fathers even if they do not necessarily like or respect them. I also shared my views on the ongoing custody battle between Dwayne Wade and his former wife, basically saying that his ex-wife should not have tried to get in the way of “D-Wade” seeing his children on Father’s day.
While the media is buzzing about all the issues that single parents are going through, I can’t help noticing that we have started to lose sight of the more pressing issue-why are there so many single parents to begin with?
One does not have to do much searching to find piles and piles of data, research and studies that all conclude that the best environment for a child to be raised is in a functional two parent home. The reason why I say that a father’s right to see his children is a secondary issue is because I believe that the primary issue that needs to be addressed is that of children being in single parent homes to begin with.
Most single parent homes are a result of two main things:
1. Two people who were not necessarily committed to one another did not practice “safer” sex and the woman fell pregnant and they had a child.
2. Two people commit to one another and then decide to have a child or children together and then later decide that they can no longer continue being in the marriage or relationship.
While it is important to have dialogue about the importance of having both parents in a child’s life, usually focused on Fathers because mothers tend to be the primary custodians, it is even more important to talk about why we are giving our children second rate lives by raising them in environments that have been proven to open them up to many threats and put them “at risk”.
My experience with engaging in dialogue about this topic is that a lot of people become defensive and make a lot of excuses and a lot of blame gets thrown around. The truth, though, is that any time a man or woman points a finger at another, he or she still has a level of responsibility that they are avoiding.
If you had an unplanned pregnancy, you have to own up to the fact that you were not being responsible. If you were in a committed relationship or marriage, you have to own up to the fact that you were not willing to do the work that it takes to sustain that relationship and preserve a safe and functional home for your child or your children.
As with most things, there are exceptions, but let’s be honest, most people who find themselves caught up in “baby-mama-drama”, whether they are the “mama” or the “daddy” are not the exception. They are people who made some choices and now, not only do they have to live with those choices, so do their children. It’s a tough pill to swallow but if need be, we have to stand up for our children and swallow the pill.
About Nomalanga
Nomalanga helps Black Women thrive in their lives and careers. She is a Social Commentator, an Editor at Your Black World , Assistant Professor of Professional Studies and the reigning Mrs Botswana. Visit Nomalanga’s blog at www.successfulblackwoman.com
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David2001
June 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Unfortunately far too many black women followed the white feminist movement of the 60s and 70s that advocated a anything goes philosophy that marginalized marriage, men and father figures for children. The white feminist movement probably had just as much if not more of an impact on our race than the civil rights movement. We saw our two parent households go from approx 85% in the 50s and 60s go to approx %20 today.
IMO black organizations and the black church which is control by black males failed. Once they saw the choices that black women were making with having children out of wedlock and using government programs to prop themselves up they should have spoke out against it. When they saw that black males were not stepping up they should have spoken up. Many black organizations and churches spoke out against the alternation lifestyle of gay marriage (which I’m no fan of) but remain silent on the alternative lifestyle of black single women having babies out of wedlock they can’t raise. That choice has had the negative impact on our race not gay marriage. When able body black women began making this bad alternative lifestyle choice that dragged not only themselves down but our children and our race down black male leaders should have spoken up.
When single parent household produces a generation more likely to go to jail or become welfare mothers then we can safely say it’s a failure. Many of us remain silent on the truth of this issue either out of some respect for their mothers or simply bought into the black male bashing hype. Even if these father were involve in their children’s lives ultimately that single black mother is in the drivers seat as head of household. Though their are some success stories in the last 40 years this alternative lifestyle of the “baby momma” is a proven failure.
Derrick
June 23, 2012 at 1:10 pm
The majority, not all of negro females keep their sons away from their fathers.
This concept started back in the ’60′s when the government did not allow the Black man to be with his family. Back then it was called Aid to Dependent Children, now it’s the welfare system.
If a Black woman was caught with the father of their children in the house, they would automatically be cut off of aid! I heard a case when a social worker went to the house of a single female parent and they cut her off because they saw a man’s tie in the home!!!
The welfare system and the feminist movement messed up the minds of negro females and it is getting worse. This is why the majority of negro females, not Black ones; hate the mighty Black man because they want to live off of welfare payments and raise their sons to be weak and effeminate to please ‘willie lynch’ aka the government!
Just look at these negro females, who are wearing long blonde weaves, putting bleaching cream on their bodies and injectng silicone in their buttocks just to look like caucasian females!
A MIND IS A TERRBILE THING TO WASTE, BUT A WASTED MIND IS IN TERRIBLE NEED OF TRUTH
STAND UP BLACK MAN!
maria kline
June 24, 2012 at 8:24 pm
Black women can raise black men yes it’s hard but it can be done. Help put goals in your children life play a big part in their life. Make your children read male or female then let them tell what they got out what they read. Throw them out question about life and see what answer u get if it be rite or wrong. Make them read books that help the brain grow in the right thinkin path. Don’t put up with their mess specailly our black males let them know since they black males on this earth the have to harder. Work a job but also work to get your own of knowing tht u can just believe in self. Have children after u get out college and work for a min. better have children by a black women want something out of life also better chidren by the same women. Most of all know that u are love been a strong black man by showing the system that u a strong black man that use his brain by real faith. Peace
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